The Department of Homeland Security has decreed that the
north side of Donald Trump’s border wall be “aesthetically pleasing” and that
it blend with its surroundings. Just the north side of it. They’re not worried
about the side facing Mexico. Wouldn’t want that side to look too attractive. In fact, they’d probably want to make it look about as repulsive as they
can, maybe with huge photos of Donald Trump grinning his obnoxious smug grin. Or they could line it with video
screens showing endless loops of Trump mocking that reporter with Aspergers.
But thank God our side’s going to be aesthetically pleasing. What a pleasure it
will be to drive down to the border and see an aesthetically pleasing monument
to xenophobia stretching endlessly across the aesthetically enhanced desert.
Our hugely amazing president has assured
us repeatedly that Mexico will pay for the wall, and if you believe that, I
have a wall eighteen to thirty feet tall, financed entirely by Mexico, that runs the length of the Mexican border I’d
like to sell you. But even if by some dodgy unneighborly bit of Mexican malfeasance we end up
getting stuck with the tab, the money we spend on the wall will be well
spent, especially that share of it spent on its aesthetically pleasing design.
Think how proud we’ll all be to pass on to future generations this gorgeous
legacy in concrete and steel, and how much more fitting a symbol it will be of
us and our values than the Statue of Liberty, whose role as a symbol of our
country it must effectively replace. Maybe in keeping with the goal of
aesthetic pleasure, Trump’s aesthetes can throw in a plaque somewhere bearing
stirring poetry addressed to the world at large, like maybe …
Give
us a select few of your well-heeled and competitively situated, with thousands
of dollars to pay naturalization fees and robust skill sets guaranteed to boost the economy, and maybe some doctors from India. And forget
whatever crap you may have heard about your huddled masses yearning to breathe
free. You can keep your huddled rapist radical Islamanarco nonwhite terrorist taco-munching
masses.
Logically the plaque would have to
go on the Mexican side, but in the unlikely event we do end up footing part of
the bill, to get our full money’s worth of aesthetic gratification it should
probably go on our side. Maybe another one on the Mexican side could translate
the verses into Spanish so bad they drive prospective border crossers away.
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